Final Fantasy VII Remake Is Incredibly Horny

In the opening moments of Final Fantasy VII Remake, Cloud Strife, and thus players, are introduced to Jessie Rasberry. Within five minutes of said introduction, Jessie can be overheard having a side conversation with fellow revolutionary Biggs. What do they discuss? How hot Cloud is. It begins with Jessie swooning and ends with Biggs relenting and admitting Cloud is good looking. But it doesn’t end there. Everyone in this game wants a piece of Cloud.

Spoiler warning for character interactions and minor plot details in Final Fantasy VII Remake through Chapter 8 as I have not advanced beyond that point. There will not be any major plot details discussed.

The guy looks good.

Final Fantasy VII Remake is the horniest game I have played in some time, including Persona 5 Royal, which is actually at least 40% dating simulator (And if you don’t date Makoto, we can’t be friends). But it has nothing on this game. A big part of that is this game is the best looking one I have ever played, and the characters are rendered with such care. This leads to every single character being extremely attractive. Look at the picture of Cloud above. Now look Jessie:

 

Not sure about her fashion but she looks good.

Shortly after the initial mission, Cloud runs into his childhood friend, Tifa Lockhart. It becomes immediately that both characters harbor feelings for the other, something also hinted at in a flashback to their teenage years. The next several hours are spent with one or both of Tifa and Jessie. And they both relentlessly flirt with Cloud, although in different ways. Jessie is very aggressive and deals in double entendre. That includes her telling Cloud, a mercenary, to come to her house later to collect “the rest of [his] payment” in front of Biggs and Wedge as they make their way back after a mission. Tifa is much more cautious as she attempts to coax Cloud of his shell and have him engage with the people and world around him. She often goes on whole expeditions fishing for compliments and when Cloud reciprocates, even a small amount, Tifa is quick to flirt, albeit somewhat uncomfortably. The point is, both women think Cloud can get it and make it obvious.

 

Look at those abs.

And then there’s Aerith Gainsborough. Cloud briefly runs into Aerith early in the story before spending much more time with her later in the game. During their first encounter, Aerith gives Cloud a lily that she sticks in his suspender (Side note: Cloud ends up giving this flower to Tifa because my guy is a low-key player). When they are reunited, Aerith spends the entire time playfully teasing and hitting on Cloud in a way that falls somewhere between Jessie and Tifa. It’s very cute and makes clear that, once again, Aerith thinks Cloud is hot.

 

My favorite Aerith design ever.

And then there are the dudes. Final Fantasy VII is heavy on pretty anime boys like Cloud and they all seem to be hitting on him constantly. None more obviously than Roche. Roche is a SOLDIER that constantly tells Cloud things like they’re going to light the fire between them and go full throttle. He, rather transparently, also thinks Cloud can get it. There is another male character (Who might be considered a spoiler) that touches Cloud in very personal ways while staring deeply into his eyes almost every time he appears. Also, there’s an unnamed bystander in the slums of Section 7 that does an incredible impression of the time Barrett hit on her. So even the big guy with a Gatling gun arm is horny.

 

Antagonists gotta get it too.

This energy permeates the majority of interactions in the game. If you do enough side quests, whatever town you’re in will start to talk about Cloud, with some people even commenting on the ex-SOLDIER’s appearance. Wedge, another member of the crew, is constantly planning how to get with some girls (And food but that’s a problem for another day). When his buttocks get injured Jessie check him out, declares it fine and MIGHT leave a small scar, then slaps it. I expected Wedge to yelp because he was just hit on a fresh wound. He did not do that. My guy moaned in pleasure. It was maybe a half second long, but the tone of voice made clear what Wedge was thinking about.

 

Got no game but looks good.

Final Fantasy VII Remake has, thus far, been a fantastic experience. Yes, the game is stunning, and the gameplay is exhilarating. But it’s the characters that make the game tremendous. They feel like fully fleshed out characters with distinct personalities and quirks. The heroes are suitably heroic while remaining layered. The villains are suitably villainous while also remaining complex (Mostly). And everyone feels like people with their own wants and desires. And what they want and desire is to bone down.